By Luca Newton
Happy new year folks! To start the year, let's talk some trash about some movies that came out in last year!!
This is the first post from me in 2022. I do have an assortment of posts planned to do with movies last years - it's just I still have a few movies I have to see before I cap off this year. I thought I'd start with my least favourite movies of the year, purely just because I really don't think anything I still need to see will even touch this list. I'm not a pessimistic person, but this is a very negative list. But don't worry I'll have plenty of lists in the future focusing on films I really loved. However, let's not waste anymore time..
Spoiler warning for films discussed, just skim through if you don't want spoilers.
#10 - Army of the Dead (dir. Zack Snyder)
Starting the list with a film I honestly expected to be the literal WORST movie of the year for me when I first watched, but didn't realise just how much stuff I would make myself endure. In May, Army of the Dead was released on Netflix. I'd personally seen a lot of hype for it, and it looked like a fun zombie movie but with a really colourful and interesting aesthetic and Dave Baustista starring in it.
I've said a lot about how much I don't like this movie, and if you've been keeping up with my page, you'll probably already know my issues with it. I mean, first and foremost, it's a SLOG. Past the first half an hour, Army of the Dead gets immensely boring, I remember being drained and exhausted and then seeing I still had a whole HOUR left. This film did not need to be 2 and a half hours.. You really feel the length and it's not entertaining enough to keep your attention. Secondly, not a single character is well written. The dialogue is just garbage. I'm not sure if they genuinely wrote this and thought it was good. Especially in the serious moments, they get completely undermined by the most backwards dialogue you'll ever hear. It is also insanely obnoxious in a lot of its execution. The main cast ranged from just being there and nothing more (Dave Bautista's character), to straight up annoying when we're supposed to be on their side. Ella Purnell plays Dave Bautista's daughter, and she was the most insufferable character. She is supposed to be the heart of the story, but her actions literally kills every other main character AND ON TOP OF THAT, the reason they die for her motivation is rendered pointless since the woman she's trying to save dies anyway.
Snyder hasn't made a lot of films I like. He did make another film this year that I loved, but Army of the Dead was one of his misses for me and one of my least favourites of the year. It is, however, slightly better than the following 9 films..
#9 - The Matrix Resurrections (dir. Lana Wachowski)
The highly anticipated 4th entry into the Matrix franchise came out at the end of last year, and completely divided moviegoers. Some people absolutely adored it, others hated it. I unfortunately landed on the side of hating it. It's not surprising given my hatred towards the other sequels prior. I was, however, hoping that this one would be different, as the trailers looked exceptional. I was subconsciously getting ready for it to be bad because of the track record, but I couldn't like it.
My biggest issue with Resurrections is that it's so stuck up its own ass that it forgets to be a real coherent movie on its own. The funny thing about discourse when it comes Resurrections is that any issue people present, people will come back with "oh, it's meta". Because of the basic premise of making Resurrections the most meta entry in the franchise, with literal mentions of Warner Bros and the idea that the trilogy is media in-universe, it makes that defence, the only defence ever used. And every single time it's used, you have a hard time arguing back because if something is "intentionally bad" then I guess they accomplished that. But for me, that's not a shield. If you make a movie bad on purpose, it isn't good, fundamentally. I don't care that it was intended that way, because I just want a cool Matrix movie, not a weird commentary on society. I know that the franchise is built on an ideology of transphobia, and that's fine, and it is done really in the first film, but I don't think the concepts of the first film have ever really been carried over into any of the sequels. The first movie is still very revolutionary and badass and has some really cool concepts, and it's just perfectly executed in every way. I fully believe The Matrix should've been a solo thing, as it really does make sense as it own standalone journey. It's timeless, it will always be beloved.
I could specifically go over every issue I had with Resurrections such as the pacing being really off, and a lot of the action being such a downgrade from the original, or some of the horrible dialogue. The thing is, my issues with this film are really hard to explain - it's just it fundamentally doesn't work for me. There's something in every Matrix sequel that just never worked. Maybe it's the focus on Neo and Trinity's romance which I was never invested in, even in the original. It's the one thing I didn't like about the first Matrix. Resurrections just continues that.
#8 - Space Jam: A New Legacy
Not a surprise by any means, but yes Space Jam 2 is some hot ASS. Everyone knows that and they also know why, so I won't bother with the details because it's pointless. Instead I'm going to justify why it isn't any lower for me, as it really isn't that far down all things considered.
A New Legacy is terrible, but I did actually kind of enjoy in some form. It is way too long, nearly 2 hours, when it really should be at least half an hour shorter, but it is ridiculous and stupid, but I got some ironic enjoyment out of it. The most entertaining part was when they went through the crossover parts. They're very ill-intended, but I do like to see Granny doing a Trinity from The Matrix. It was hilariously how poorly most people acted in this. I don't blame LeBron James because he's not an actor, but Don Cheadle was the only saving grace of the film. He was entertaining to say the least.
So yeah terrible movie but I had fun, these next ones are way worse.
#7 - Kate
Honestly, I would write a long paragraph about why this film is bad. The thing is, I can't remember it. I don't want to remember it. It's so hopelessly dull and forgettable, and a complete waste of talent with Mary-Elizabeth Winstead and Woody Harrelson. Released on Netflix a bit later in the year, Kate is about an assassin who gets poisoned and has 24 hours to exact revenge before she dies. I couldn't care less about this movie, so when she dies, I felt nothing, I was just happy it was over to be honest.
I have nothing else to say. Please don't watch this.
#6 - The Map of Tiny Perfect Things
Honestly, I randomly heard about this film one day and heard that it was essentially Groundhog Day but with the same twist that Palm Springs had, where there were two people in the loop who happened to be a girl and a boy. The difference is that both of the characters had been in the loop for quite a long time before the film starts. I was interested as my favourite film is Groundhog Day and I absolutely loved Palm Springs. So it really did pain me to be this disappointed with The Map of Tiny Perfect Things.
The film looks like it was shot on an iPhone and the direction enforces this weird TikTok kind of gestures and movements in the main characters as they always feel the need to be passing objects around or moving. It's not even entertaining. The comedy falls flat every single time, and the drama never lands and I was not invested in it because I didn't like the characters, they gave me no reason to. I was just left bored and disappointed. and a little nauseated.
Eh at least it was just a Prime Video movie and not a cinema trip.
#5 - The Tomorrow War (dir. Chris McKay)
The Tomorrow War was a blockbuster film that was supposed to come out in cinemas, however due to the pandemic, they dropped it as a Prime Video exclusive, so I watched it. The premise interested me due to this idea of a war in the future being fought from the past and it starred Chris Pratt too, so I was interested. Nobody prepared me for how GOD AWFUL this film would be.
The obvious things out of the way; the writing is dull, the action is boring, the actors are all either wasted or completely forgettable within the film because they give nothing to it. The concept of the film sounded cool, but it is poorly executed because there are a lot of plot holes given that there is no need to send past people into the future to literally kill them in swarms because your future tech apparently doesn't work, so why would people from the past help? Why can't you just send someone into the past to stop the war before it happens. But I guess that's just The Terminator, so they just decided to make a worse film that is entirely aimless and stupid. The worst offence is the pacing, and because nothing is entertaining, it seriously feels like it's going on forever, I was so bored. There is a mid-plot reveal with Chris Pratt's daughter, but again it was just so boring. The action doesn't make it entertaining, it is just white noise to me. The alien designs are cool, so I'll give it that..
#4 - America: The Motion Picture
I hate this film because it thinks it's funny, but it isn't remotely. Like, it's just this overly long parody of America and it just doesn't land because all of the humour is only funny to people who are below the age of 12. I know for a fact I would have liked it at the age of 9. It's just unnecessary and the jokes are just completely unfunny. I don't think I even grinned once. Another forgettable and atrocious film from Netflix last year. It is also way too long, like it should have ended an hour before it did. I don't have much more to say because it's pretty self-explanatory.
#3 - Cinderella (Dir. Kay Cannon)
Cinderella is another live action remake and retelling of the story of Cinderella, but this time it's modern and it stars Camilo Cabello. Going into it, I obviously expected it to be horrible, so I wasn't shocked when I found out it was exactly that, but I was just consistently cringing throughout the whole excruciating time as they butchered some great songs. I'd say the only good thing was Idina Menzel who sings really well.
It's just too smugly modern that it fails to be a good movie. It wants to be progressive, but it just doesn't work. I was bored for the entire runtime, and I DEFINITELY wouldn't recommend anyone else doing the same as what I did in sitting down and actually watching this film..
#2 - Red Notice
Objectively speaking, this film probably isn't worse than Cinderella, but this film is just the epitome of what's wrong with films. Getting three big names to star in action comedy buddy film about 2 people who don't get along have to team up against a strong girl. This film is so ridiculously dull and soulless, I don't know how people endure it. Absolutely don't know why so many people watched it and so many people seem to defend it as if it's underrated. It is just abysmal.
There are like 3 big twists in the film, and they want you to be floored, but they are so weird. It tries to be unique and weird by globe-trotting and just fails on every single level. There's an Ed Sheeran cameo and they think it's the funniest shit ever. It just pisses me off, this movie should not exist and should not be successful. Film twitter think that the MCU is the death of cinema? Nah, these soulless cash-grab action Netflix films with A-listers is. RELENTLESSLY boring, unfunny and devoid of any passion. NOT EVEN DWAYNE THE FREAKING ROCK JOHNSON CARED AND IT'S SO CLEAR HE HAS NO CHARISMA.
Ok I'll calm down..
#1 - Home Sweet Home Alone
Well, the worst movie of 2021 is still The Kissing Booth 3, but I subconsciously don't count that, so we have Home Sweet Home Alone. November 12th, they released a new Home Alone sequel starring Archie Yates, Ellie Kemper and Rob Delaney. It is as unfortunately dreadful as you can possibly imagine.
I was thinking after I finished it, why would anyone accept this? Why would anyone involved in this film think it's acceptable. Why would anyone believe this was good enough to churn out, and as a big attraction of the big Disney+ Day no less. It's so poorly made. What Home Alone film makes the ROBBERS the good guys and the child the villain? It's so against the whole point of the franchise. A franchise that should have ended after the second film. Instead we get a lifeless, dumb Disney+ sequel that is absolutely one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
And that's all for now. I will be releasing more and more lists reflecting on last year. I watched a lot of films last year, so there's tons to talk about! Do you agree or disagree with any films I put on my list?
Thanks for reading.
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